The real me

Who am I?
What does the inner me really want?
When do i really feel happy?
What do i strive for?
Am i doing anything that is gaking me to a direction to fulfill my life as it should be?
I crave for love. I crave for company.
Why am I incomplete?
Why cant i content with being alone?
Is being alone stopping me from achieving true happiness?
What do i do to discover true happiness?

Some moments i distinctly remember when i was really happy..

Holding my new born niece in my hands,
Playing with her when she was six months old,
watching her smile and talk, playing with her, dancing with her.

My sisters wedding. Giving her away to her new family which was so kind and so sweet.
Recieveing my sister every year at the airport when she comes visiting.

Meeting my parents on my annual breaks from my business school. Making them proud with my professional and personal achievements.

Spending time with my nana. Listening to stories about the partition, and life in Pakistan before we came to India. Spending time in summer vacations at my dada's place in gau puri. Learning to play cards, going to the kirana nearby to have kanche ki bottle and spicy lal golis with my cousins.

listening to gurbani. every day.

The time i spent in college with her.

The time i spent with my cousin brothers and sisters.

This is who i am. This is who i really am. I am not ambitious. this is the real me.

Soltitude- My only device

Its just two of us in my world. Me and my soltitude. We love each other. I hate her from the bottom of my heart as well. But we are always together. We have always been. We will always be. Sharing thoughts, sharing exoressions. She consoles me every time, i feel like i will sink to the bottom of a bottom-less pit.Yet another heart break, yet another career mistake. Fallen angels. Broken Wings. Ruptured egos. Faithless Men.
Soltitude.My only device to take on yet another day in hell, the loveless world.  

What i hate about israel?

Imagine that you have a large home where you live in a joint family with your kin. One day, you get new neighbours, who are refugees from another country. Slowly, refugees start settling in and start calling your whole village as their territory, promised to them by God, 1000 years back. You try and reason with them. They go to UN and get an agreement from the security council that the village belongs to both you and the neighbours. They break your boundary wall and build a new home. Then the break your home and extend their home. Then they throw you out of your own home and take away your civil rights. You, your kin all shift to colonies outside village, in a slum because now there are international troops ensuring that being the uncivilized muslim you are, you dont attack your civilized neighbours. You get angry and throw rocks. They attack you with fighter planes, tanks and missiles. Your rock hurts an armed trooper, it causes international concern. They blow up a childrens ward in your colony, the whole western press justifies the attack as "action against militants".You protest at UN, the UN disqualifies the protest. They tag you as jehadist and get you arrested. You have no future. They own this game.

This is probably the best summary of the israel palestine conflict - the root of all modern terrorism today. From the actions of this community, i think they have justified the hatred Germans showed towards them during the second world war.  I am against death of any unarmed civilian, muslim or jew. I am against any vendetta against any community. I strongly believe in Israeli nationhood. I love Israeli women (specially the sexy lady soldiers of IDF). But i also believe that if Israel were to make a serious attempt at allowing Palestinians to live in a respectful way, it will help demotivate a lot of Muslim youth globally. Hell, I think any rational youth would feel compelled to sympathise with the Palestinians here. The democratic revolutions at Egypt, Syria, Jordan and Yemen have given me hope that something different will happen in future. But Obama is a dissappointment.

The Curious Case of Missing Dabba

Saw the movie "stanley ka dabba" today. Total paisa vasool.
Got me thinking of the school days. The friendships and the camaraderie in school.

Anyone who has been to a school as a day scholar knows that lunch and the tiffin is the most important part of the day. The eternal wait to see what is in the tiffin: the excitement: the happiness or the disappointment.

The lunch plan would pan out something like this. On a average tiffin day, tiffin was supposed to be shared. Someone else with a better menu was to be recruited for sharing.  If it was a bad tiffin day, then money had to be arranged, for a visit to the canteen. Also the tiffin had to be disposed by gifting to perenially hungry friends.

Yours truly had the honor of losing the most number of tiffins in any school  by any student. But i guess if i had seen this movie earlier, i would never waste my tiffin. This is a must watch movie for school going kids. To make them value the privilege they have and something we and they take for granted always. Keep your eyes open for children who need your help. Your maids, your drivers, your peons all have a difficult existence. You never know, you might make someone's life beautiful.

The Case of the Exploding Cooker

The gas was still on.
The wet, yellow rice stuck to the white walls, all the way to the roof.
The black rubber gasket, the cooker lid, the whistle and anonmous parts of the cooker handle lay still on the floor mangled at odd angles, resembling a perfect morning-after.
Loud, Rhythmic music blared - reflecting a false sense of normality.
My dream of making Biryani lay ruined in front of my eyes.

Its not that i was upset that i wont have delicious biryani last night. I still managed to recoup most of my investment by having simple rice, cooked in an open vessel after the disaster. But to imagine that specially in my case, the axiom, "whatever has to go wrong, will go wrong" rings specially true.

Unka Jawaab Aya

Her words: "I was busy so i could not reply. We cannot take this forward. This is how it happens in arranged marriages."

Implication: Deal with sucker.

This is the kind reply i got from the woman i liked.
How can i like someone "So negative? So insensitive and So crass?"
And who keeps a gmail id with su*y?- sounds like name of a moll from an old hindi movie.

In Memory of My Lost Blog Posts

How can this happen? I have been writing all this week and I don’t see my blog posts on my blog. Whenever you think you have seen enough fucked up stuff in the world, the man on the top floor has a way of showing to you that things can get worse.

Among other things in the world, I lost my phone and I got a new life, felt on top of this world, and lost it in the last four days, felt like shit but I am feeling better now.

I guess I should be more direct here. Here, direct means more dramatic. This is a blog of a guy who doesn’t sleep at night if he talks to a pretty girl in the day. Fuck, there, I said it. Most of my bothers would be surprised at this admission, because I have been known to be a smooth talker. I am, I know that. But if I have a thing for the girl, I lose it. I just lose it.

So this is a story dedicated to the beauty from Ambala, who stole my heart and ruled it for 3 days and 3 nights. She then decided to break it to pieces and burnt them into thin air. My room still smells of the burnt heart, though I am fine now. I am now preparing myself for the next encounter. I don’t know how will I face it this time though.

The 75 minutes that I spoke to her were so beautiful. Her voice was like silk, she laughed like a dream and her words were like a song. She was guarded, I was serenading. I could have gone on for hours. Why not? The one hour I spent talking to her was so pleasant. The three days I couldn’t speak to her after that were hell. I messaged. I called. I mailed. I did everything modern communication would let me. At the risk of being called a maniac. And then the realization dawned. It was not meant to be.

At 27, a hot chick, a sikhni, working in a 50000 FTE coding shop in Noida. I can imagine her life. Everyone from her project manager to a fresher would chance maro on her. Most likely she wd be seeing someone. Under pressure from home, she would be meeting jerks like me who do not stand a chance any way.

Oh by the way yours truly cracked a 40k Euro deal. Thank you. Yeah, I can sell enterprise software but cant patio this chick.

It is the thing about us lonely hearts, we latch on to every smile we get and we expect things to be perfect.

In Memory of My Lost Blog Posts

How can this happen? I have been writing all this week and I don’t see my blog posts on my blog. Whenever you think you have seen enough fucked up stuff in the world, the man on the top floor has a way of showing to you that things can get worse.

Among other things in the world, I lost my phone and I got a new life, felt on top of this world, and lost it in the last four days, felt like shit but I am feeling better now.

I guess I should be more direct here. Here, direct means more dramatic. This is a blog of a guy who doesn’t sleep at night if he talks to a pretty girl in the day. Fuck, there, I said it. Most of my bothers would be surprised at this admission, because I have been known to be a smooth talker. I am, I know that. But if I have a thing for the girl, I lose it. I just lose it.

So this is a story dedicated to the beauty from Ambala, who stole my heart and ruled it for 3 days and 3 nights. She then decided to break it to pieces and burnt them into thin air. My room still smells of the burnt heart, though I am fine now. I am now preparing myself for the next encounter. I don’t know how will I face it this time though.

The 75 minutes that I spoke to her were so beautiful. Her voice was like silk, she laughed like a dream and her words were like a song. She was guarded, I was serenading. I could have gone on for hours. Why not? The one hour I spent talking to her was so pleasant. The three days I couldn’t speak to her after that were hell. I messaged. I called. I mailed. I did everything modern communication would let me. At the risk of being called a maniac. And then the realization dawned. It was not meant to be.

At 27, a hot chick, a sikhni, working in a 50000 FTE coding shop in Noida. I can imagine her life. Everyone from her project manager to a fresher would chance maro on her. Most likely she wd be seeing someone. Under pressure from home, she would be meeting jerks like me who do not stand a chance any way.

Oh by the way yours truly cracked a 40k Euro deal. Thank you. Yeah, I can sell enterprise software but cant patio this chick.

It is the thing about us lonely hearts, we latch on to every smile we get and we expect things to be perfect.

Bangalore Police Wake Up Please!!

I lost my cell today. It must have slipped from my trouser pocket. I was on my way back from Rangashankara and suddenly realised that my cell is missing.
I called 100 to report my missing phone. I thought may be if i can give my number and my IMEI number, they can track it back. No one picked up. No one called back. I guess i tried 10 times. No response. Nada.
I dont know what would happen if this was an emergency. Like what if i was being robbed and needed help from police? Where would i dial for help?

Will She Wont She?

3 days back i dint know her.
and for last 2 days i havent slept.
I want to talk to her again.
I search her name on google, i look for her on FB. I call her and cancel my call before her cell rings.
She said she will call.
She said she will add me on gtalk.
She laughed on my jokes.
She shared her stories with me.
It will be another day tomorrow. A new start. Can i go back 3 days in time and forget her?
I deleted her number from my cell today. And then i got it again from my mail box.

Why is this happening to me?
Why am i alone?
How can i break this spell of loneliness?
How can i share my life with someone i can be madly in love with?

Luckless in love.
Luckless in job.
Why the fuck do i exist?
I am waiting for you. Please come and hold me. I am breaking up from the inside.

Sleepless in Bangalore

Bangalore is a very unforgiving city. Beautiful to a fault, it makes you feel the need to love someone like no other city does. Delhi and Mumbai are large cities, which take you in, make your life so miserable with mundane chores that you don’t have any time to think about life or love. Bangalore is a small city, with very kind and social people. So what do you do when the weather outside is so pleasant, there is nice breeze in the air, there is nice music playing – you suddenly realize that there isn’t anyone you can call and have a nice conversation with. You are all alone.

The number of times I get this feeling in Bangalore has gone up manifolds. Not that I dint get this feeling when I was in Delhi. But Delhi is a brutal city. My brutal love! It is a sexy city. Flamboyant, flashy, fast. Bangalore is a kind and quiet place. But peace can be broken by some invaders down south. Like the chick s**eta who was here this week from our Delhi office. Oh what a smile!

 I wonder how many single people in this world are thinking what I am thinking right now. When will I have someone to come home to? When will I sleep next to someone I love? When will I wake up in the middle of the night to look at someone’s face and feel thankful to god for her? When will I be able to feel her breath over my shoulder? When will I be able to just hold her hand and enjoy a sunset over a pleasant conversation? Where will I meet her? When will I meet her? Does she exist?

How will you measure your life?

I read this headline in an article on the harvard business review website the other day. Like most hbr articles, the headline was good, but the article itself was crap. The essential premise of the article was to look at life like running a company. How can you compare your assets, your liabilities, your balance sheet, are these equal to your life?

The kate and William wedding yesterday was nice, and I believe it adds a few very solid points to consider for someone who thinks about living life like a company.  What I liked about this wedding?

·         It was a family affair and not a state affair. The Middleton family sat right in front. The family members including bride’s brother and sister played critical roles, like in any normal wedding.

·         Their emotions were genuine. I remember Kate’s dad, pressing her hand as he held her, standing next to William and harry, at the altar. It was what any father would do I guess. But it was a very genuine emotion.

·         The people of Britain embraced them as their own. In fact, 2 billion people watched, I am sure enthralled by the big emotional drama unfolding right in front of their eyes. It is what the fairy tales are made of right?; But to see the 1 million people stand, cheer every step the young couple took, it was so genuine. I have been to Britain, and was frankly not impressed by what I saw. I could feel the country decay. The whole multi cultural thing has damaged the genuine brit culture which I strongly believe needs to be preserved. It was great to see the Brit people show respect to their culture in such a massive way.

·         The respect the people of Britain have for their culture and tradition. When the prayers started, people went quite as a hush descended on the congregation.

How do I see myself? Where do I see myself going? Do a good job, build great relationships and then leave everything behind. Just go away. Fade away.  Fade. Alone.

I wonder how the hbr author would react in an emotionally charged happy circumstance. I think he would be clueless. 

I believe for people who take an accountant’s view of life, following would be true:

Parents: Assets if they are rich and independent: Liabilities if they are dependants and sick?

Kids: Liabilities?

Wife: Asset till she is pretty and youthful and flirty; Liability when she is a responsible mother, daughter or sister?

Your employer: people you chum off to make your phoney living.

I don’t want an accountants view of life. I don’t want an MBAs view of life. I want to live a balanced life. I want to learn new things, get new experiences, travel, make new friends and build great relationships. I want to be a genuine nice guy.